Beware The Groove! (The Iliad, Book 7)

ALEXA, PLAY: Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat) by The Immortals

We left off with Paris and Hector running back to battle with renewed vigor. They start straight killing Trojans. Athena, champion of the Greek army, takes notice and goes to discuss with Apollo, champion of the Trojans. They decide that it would be fair if there was another one-one duel instead of the melee they’ve been seeing. 

Apollo nominates Hector from the Trojan side and they agree he may pick his own opponent. The gods send Helenus to tell Hector the plan and to choose his player. 

He marches out in front of his troop of Trojans and has them sit. Agamemnon sees this and realizes something’s up so he does the same with the Greeks. 

Hector explains about the duel to the Greek army. He tells them that he’s ready to fight any one of them so they can choose whoever they want. However, as Hector is a gentleman, he says that if he is defeated, they may take his armor but can they please leave his body on Trojan soil so that he may have a proper burial and of course, vice versa in the case of the Greek champion losing. 

The Greek army remains quiet for a few awkward minutes until Menelaus stands, volunteering to fight. Hector is all for this, since Menelaus was who originally had beef with Paris in the first place. But Agamemnon quickly shoots him down because Menelaus was still injured from being shot in the thigh by Pandaros. 

Old Man Nestor then stands and gives a very moving “back in my day” and “if I were a younger man” speech, basically belittling every one of the Greek soldiers. When he finishes, nine men stand to volunteer. Thos nine are as follows: Agamemnon, Diomedes, both Big and Little Ajax (there were two of them, one was very large and the other was regular-sized but unfortunately Big Ajax was so big that regular-sized Ajax got deemed Little Ajax), Idomeneus, Meriones, Eurypylos, Thoas, and Odysseus. Nestor suggests they men draw lots to determine who will be the Greek champion. Big Ajax is the winner and he is pumped. Now, obviously, the reason he is called Big Ajax (or Great Ajax in some texts), the man is HUGE and Hector is slightly terrified but knows he has to fight. 

Ready? Fight! (Mortal Kombat voice) A few spears are thrown. Some stabs are stabbed. Shields do their thing and shield. Rocks start being thrown by both men. At one point a rock thrown by Big Ajax knocks Hector to the ground and Apollo helps him back up. 

Hector is a fierce warrior even without the help of a god, so despite the size of Ajax it is a pretty even fight and they would have continued into the night but Zeus (who is always just casually observing from Mt Olympus) sent two heralds, one to either side. The heralds (or messengers) basically said “Big Daddy Zeus loves you both and it’s getting late so now let’s all go to bed.” 

Surprisingly, the men agree to stop the fight and head to bed. As a gesture of goodwill, they exchange armor (kind of like a jersey swap at a sporting event) and retreat peacefully back to their respective camps. 

At the Greek camp, they make an offering to BDZ and let Big Ajax have the best cut of meat. Old Man Nestor (wait, sidenote. I just… I know it’s the wrong place and time but I just always picture Old Man Nestor to look and sound like the “beware the groove” guy from The Emperor's New Groove. That’s all.) suggests that while there is a lull in the action, they should collect the bodies of their fallen and give them a proper burial and also use the time to fortify the camp and their ships to help keep everyone protected. 

Meanwhile, in the Trojan camp, Antenor suggests that maybe, just maybe, after nearly a decade of fighting, that it’s time to just… give Helen back? And maybe along with her, give back some of the other stuff that may have been stolen and perhaps even some additional stuff as an apology? Because that would totally end the war and everyone was tired and just wanted to go home. 

Paris, of course, is not cool with giving up his (literal) trophy wife, but he is cool with giving the Greeks back an abundance of treasure in the hopes that they would accept it as a compromise and everyone can go home. King Priam also thinks this is a good idea and he sends that same herald off to the Greek camp to give them the message. He also has the herald ask if the Greeks would be open to a temporary ceasefire regardless of whether or not they accept the offer of treasure so that both sides may properly perform funerary rights for their dead. 

The Greeks were already in the process of building the funeral pyre, so they agreed to that completely. But when the herald told them about the Trojan’s offer to pay to end the war, he’s met with silence until Diomedes and Agamemnon rejected it and sent him away. 

While the armies are busy cleaning up their dead, we go back up to Mount Olympus, where Poseidon (god of the sea and horses and I assume seahorses) pops up to visit with his brother, Zeus, in a fit of anger. Poseidon wanted to know why there were all of these pyre fires down there and not one offering to the gods. (probably because they were cremating their comrades instead of sacrificing cows but ok, Poseidon, you throw your little fit)

But Zeus was like “Yeah! They should be sacrificing stuff to us! We’re gods!” And he gives his brother permission to destroy the walls around the camp. 

Down at the Greek camp, they have finished their laboring for the day and celebrating with wine when they could all sense a change in the air and feel a sudden jolt of fear. They immediately poured out their wine to sacrifice to Zeus and then went to bed before anything bad could happen.